I want to take you on a trip. A trip so far from home youd miss it. Youd miss the nights of us on the couch. Id take you far away from the stresses. Far from the bullshit. Id watch you breath the fresh air. The ultimate feeling of bliss while the air hit your face. Maybe a morning dew across the cold rugged ground. Youd be sitting on the dented hood of that tiny car. The cold would touch the tip of your nose and the first layer of skin open to the air. The chill wouldnt be harsh but id make your breathing feel light almost non existent. This trip wouldnt confine your minds thoughts just paralyze your movements for the time. Your breathing would stay consistent with your thoughts. Like a wave. Like a sound wave. Curved and hilled like the desert. Yes, like the cold rock beneath the tires. Rubber. Tires. Cold. Heat. Red. Rock. Your thoughts like first grade adjectives. You stumble to find the right combination til you begin to notice your breathing again most light of the usual. Real light. Airy. Heavy. Quick. Slow. Your repetitive nature becomes irrelevant. As you close your eyes the cold crisp air becomes more apparent. You listen for sounds. Your minds off in the distance between the two mountains up ahead. Its counting down from 30 to 1. As you begin to count the counting syncs with the mountains. They are one. They are the same. 22. 21. 20….
Im so scared about everything right now. Its just been a sudden wave of fear. The more i go through this with jordan the more i feel like it was a bad decision. Ive taken him from what he really wants. Ive tied him down to something he wasnt ready for. When we got in that fight even said he only moved in with me because he didnt want to see me struggle because he didnt think i could handle it. What if hes just scared right now and is just guna leave one day or do something really terrible for us to break up. I feel like he just doesnt want to hurt me but deep down i dont feel like hes in this like i am. Honestly i feel like an idiot. My heart feels so strong about something and it doesnt even feel the same. Thats how it usually goes. One moment its love then its comeplete hate. I just want him to be happy and i dont think i can do it anymore. Itll never be good enough he will always doubt my love. I couldnt ever stand to see him with somebody else though it would kill me. But i just feel like im wasting my time. In a year hes guna be done with me maybe less than that. It always happens. I guess i deserve it. I really dont deserve a person like him. Hes was too good to me and i was too blind to see it. I always fall in love too late. I always waste away everything over an impulse. I cant bare to leave him but i feel like its all thats left. Ive never been so happy in my life. And i know deep down i make him miserable. I feel so mad at myself for putting him through what i did. And it was for nothing to just sit and watch as we crumble. My hearts so broken.
All the signs are there. You seem all the same. That moment where my hearts unbound you strike it once more. It can withstand so much til finally it just dies.
New apartment. New life. New everything. In the last three years It has changed so much. I sit here and think about all the time I have spent wasted over those who I blamed for everything when in reality we were all searching for the same thing and just could not provide it for each other. Deep down all I wanted was to make them happy and in a way I did. (though the relationships themselves were total bullshit) through all the heartache we all taught each other lessons showed us the dos and donts and gave us a reason to change our destructive ways sometimes. All these factors gave us happiness. So all that time while you fought and fought and all you wanted to do was make them happy well now look back at it and well thats exactly what you did. Its not something you can thank them for nor do they need to thank you. Its just one of those underlying causes nobody speaks of. I can honestly say it was truly all worth it. Relationships are so hard but its on you to make it what it is. If your going to lie or cheat then its going to fail. If your going to be faithful and respect each other theres no reason why it should not work. In three years I have been through it all and I am just now to a point where I feel safe and sometimes fearless. But with all this said its hard not to think about those who have impacted your life. They will always have a place deep down in your soul because they helped guide and mold you. Just a piece of my mind today. Hope everybody have a blessed day. Love yourself.
I watched the sun set today. I let my heart mind and soul take it in. It was truly beautiful. We search for bliss when its just there in the sky.